I can relate. Г§in tanД±Еџma kГјltГјrГј When I was younger, I didn’t date healthy people because I wasn’t healthy. I was in survival mode, riddled with insecurities and trauma responses. I fell for men who mirrored old narratives from my past that I hadn’t healed from. I sought out love that felt like home, failing to recognize my early experience of home never felt safe.
For better and worse, the people we attract tell a lot about who we are and where we are in our growth journey. When dating, see each person as a vibrational mirror and learning opportunity. If you’re attracted to someone who is causing you pain, reflect on the stories you may be repeating to break that pattern. If you’re attracted to someone healthy, reflect on the areas you’ve grown and the work you can do to continue moving in a positive direction.
Being Single Is Important
For half of my life, I was a serial monogamist and mostly in long-term relationships. Dating taught me a great deal about myself, but it was only when I found myself single at 30 that I began to understand who I was and what I wanted the most. I learned how to speak kindly to my inner critic and let go of what other people thought about me, kicking off the beginning of my journey with unconditional self-love.
Without external validation and another person’s context, I worked on being happy with my own company and putting myself first. I lived on my terms and welcomed change that benefitted me and only me. My solitude felt precious, finite, and so pleasurable that I wanted to spend all of my time nurturing my well-being, hobbies, and community.
A study in 2017 noted that voluntary singleness improved mental health outcomes, reflecting my personal experience. I resolved to be alone until a relationship felt even more fulfilling than my single life.
The choice empowered me to let go of emotionally unavailable men because of my higher standards. It empowered me to eventually meet my boyfriend who added so much beauty to what I already had going on. Plus, he saw my individuality as something to be respected and nurtured.
I’ve met several men who seemed like my perfect match. One of them was a profound listener who made me feel heard, and another flame had an irreverent, wicked sense of humor that lightened me up. When those connections didn’t pan out, I felt a deep sense of loss, believing I’d never find someone uniquely like them again. And in a way, I was right.
However, I would go on to meet other people who offered similar qualities along with something even better–they were willing to work through challenges with me. They were in the right timing of their life to sustain a connection and make something work. I’ve learned that I can’t build a life by forcing something to happen, nor do I want to change someone’s fundamental nature.
I now understand that those almost-relationships served as a catalyst, pushing me to see what I valued the most-like, compassionate care and not taking myself so seriously. They didn’t give me anything that I didn’t have within or couldn’t find again. They weren’t the ones that got away, they just weren’t meant to be in my life for a long time. Closing the door on them redirected me back to the path I was meant to be on.
Don’t Be Afraid To Feel Your Emotions
I intellectualized my emotions for a long time. I knew all of the stories behind my fear, anger, sadness, and shame and explored the origins deeply in therapy. But I didn’t allow myself to feel the emotion.